The Art of Procrastination, by Delvonta' Pinkston

Procrastination is a fairly simple task that even the dullest hammer in the toolbox can accomplish. In fact, millions of teenagers and young adults around the world conquer this challenge without even noticing it. However, do not take this task lightly. Procrastinating is an art that must be appreciated. The art of procrastination has saved many from completing work on time and continues to serve easily distracted people around the world.

The first step to procrastination is very simple. Bury your head in the sand, which you can take literally if you would like to. Doing so may actually help the process. Take a small glance at your assignment and entomb it under the piles of meaningless papers that a proactive person probably would have thrown away last week. However, you haven’t because you somehow think you’re going to need these insignificant papers. 

 The second step is where things get interesting. Busy yourself with the variety of social networks the internet has to offer. Do not limit yourself to just Facebook. Enjoy any and everything from chatting with friends in a group message to stalking that cute guy that you’ve seen around campus’s profile. Once you’ve done that, why stop there??? Find reasons to message people whom you haven’t seen in years, if only to keep your momentum.

Now it’s time for some tough love. Everything that we’ve discussed will be for nothing if you don’t convince yourself that what you’re doing is just as important, if not more so than writing some ten-page paper on the life of Abraham Lincoln. Remember that you have all the time in the world. You might as well use this time to have a little fun while you’re at it. Remember, all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

The third step is the easiest of all. Spend an hour or two listening to music. Tell yourself that the music you’re listening to is going to inspire you to write; although you know writing anything is something that is long gone from your mind by now. Don’t feel bad about lying. It is something that must be done in order to fully procrastinate. Doing anything less is cheating yourself out of one of life’s greatest thrills.

We’re halfway through our little course. You should feel a sense of accomplishment coming over you. Neglecting writing a paper, no matter the difficulty of said paper, is hard work.  Avoiding friends, siblings, professors, and parents who are all encouraging you to complete your assignments on time can be a daunting task. It sometimes may feel as if there is no escaping these words of encouragement. Nevertheless, you must overcome these inspirational concepts your peers are trying to hammer into you.

The fourth step requires the following: A television, satellite cable, an internet connection, and a Netflix account. You’re becoming accustomed to channel-surfing, which is essential in completing this step. Spend a half hour flipping from channel to channel, trying to find a rerun of that show you missed the day before. If you haven’t found that reshowing of Lost, don’t fret. Now use that internet connection earlier mentioned to log into the account mentioned previously.  Without a care in the world, scroll through the vast categories the website has to offer. Don’t forget that half of procrastinating is acting as if you truly are without a care in the world.

The fifth step may be the most the most challenging for those who have a thicker shell to come out of than others. Strike up a conversation with someone. It could be your roommate, parents, or neighbor. The topic of the conservation doesn’t even have to have any meaning. You could even start up a conversation with your grandmother about how her last trip to the slot machines at the casino went. Listening to her drone on and on may not be the most enjoyable thing in the world, but what’s hard work without a little sacrifice, huh?

The moment that you’ve been waiting for is nearly here. Now that we’re nearing the end of this small tutorial, don’t think you’re completely out of the woods yet. There is still one step left to complete before you can call yourself a master procrastinator. You’ll have to give it everything you have, because this next step will determine if you’re really cut out to be a slacker. Good luck!

The sixth step is the most challenging of all. Now that you’ve waited until the last minute to start your paper, you must rush to complete it. Whether it is a five-page paper that is due tomorrow or a one-page paper that is due in two hours, completing said paper is a must. Act as if there is nothing to distract you or steer you off course. You should basically act exactly how you would have acted if you had been proactive about the situation and started on the paper when you were supposed to.

 

If done exactly as told, then you have completed your paper and earned the well-deserved title of Master Procrastinator. I urge you to take pride in your title. As you know, completing steps one through six is no easy feat.  Once again, I congratulate you. I hope that your future is filled with nearly missing assignments.